Week 3

Us VS Divorce

This has been on my mind for a lot this week. I think it's because the marriage license is looming over us... and then it's officially official. It might also be because people are always calling in to radio stations about divorces they've either gone through or going through. And I just... can't fathom it.

So I have been thinking about it. I think about how I feel about Craig right now. And how I assume Craig feels about me. How happy, no matter how dramatic our wedding was (just because of the officiant), we were that day. How thankful we were that people wanted to partake in our day... and how confident we were and still are that we'll be able to hold true to our vows. That our 6 years together prepared us for our married life... so we know what works and what doesn't work with each other. But, listening to people that have been in a similar position, are now divorced.... I just can't imagine it. I mean, I can see their progression to get in that situation: eg., not taking care of each other or themselves, not listening to each other's needs or expressing those needs, having kids without establishing their marriage foundation, having kids thinking that's going to "strengthen" your marriage when it's in the pits, taking each other for granted and not showing enough appreciation for each other's accomplishments, etc.

It still scares me though. When Craig came home from work this Thursday, I just looked at him and got really upset. Just the thought that we may not be together later on in life burned my heart. It was awful. So I told him, that if either of us feels like if we were in a position where we would cheat given the opportunity, then we have to tell each other. Or that if we are given the opportunity, then fight it as hard as you could, come home and tell the other so we can fix it. Because that means we're not getting what we want out of each other. And that's how adultry and divorce happens. I sure have given Craig enough reasons to cheat in the past, but he hasn't. And even if he had... I don't think I could blame anyone but me and my own selfishness. I've since changed my stupid feminist view that HE needs to do everything for ME and I don't need to give HIM ANYTHING because I'M more important than HE is. The only thing I can compare it to is the self righteous though never effected slavery and black people. Women have been repressed for the longest time (I would say close to the way slaves were, just without the serious physical output they did... though abuse sure was given freely to women).. and since my rights were given to me because repressed women fought for it, I need to make up for all the "pain" THEY sufferred. When really.... I don't. I was never repressed. I was never told I'm less than a male and I have a smaller brain so I can't make decisions that are more important than what's for dinner that night. I don't have to make up for anything. I can just live my life because of what was done in the past. So.. I changed that. I started treating him better. And holy hell did that make our relationship so much better. I was happier. I think about him and I get giddy. after 6 freaking years!!! It may not be at the heart pounding level it was when we first touched, hugged, kissed, held hands, etc. but it feels good.

I know a lot of people get divorced for good reasons. Abuse, sexually or physically, is a great example of why you should get divorced. And I would even add verbal abuse to that list. Although, I'd say there's always signs, and if you ignore them and get married anyway (especially if you think you can "change" them), then you are also at fault.

So, that's what has been going through my mind a lot this week. I think the only way I can fight the thought of divorce is to only have him be my husband when I introduce him or talk about him with other people. And same with him and me being his wife. When we're together... we're boyfriend and girlfriend (one thing that I really believe Mormons do a great job of teaching). I want to be his mistress. I'd love for him to call me his gf or mistress to his friends or coworkers.. just because... if you think about that.. how great is it that someone you spend most of your time with... is someone you enjoy spending time with. Which is what you would do with your mistress or your girlfriend (or the opposite for males... whatever that would be... a mister?? lol)